Numb

Whipping out her journal, struggling to find the words to say.

Praying she will be heard.

Praying she will feel. 

Praying for any sign that everything will be okay.

No answer. Just silence

She feels alone, does anyone else struggle with this?
Does anyone else feel numb?
Can anyone else not feel?

She feels it's a curse, she feels she can't move forward.
She fears she can't love.

She takes time to herself.
Time to heal
Time to feel
Time to hear

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent
Exodus 14:14

She is silent. 

She takes a drive with her best friend.
"Are you going to talk to me" Asks her friend
The tears come.
She doesn't know what's wrong. She hasn't known for weeks.
She can't explain it.
They pull into where they are supposed to meet people.
"You don't have to do this" Says her friend.
They get out of the car and walk into the meeting place.

It's empty.

They went to the wrong place.

Her heart feels free.

She spends the evening with her best friend walking around the mall.
Eating frozen yogurt with as many toppings as she desires.
Looking at expensive prom dresses and reliving her senior prom.
Petting puppies in a small store in the corner of the mall.
Getting kicked out of the mall- what mall closes at 9pm?
Falling down snow mounds because they can't find the car.
Falling down running to the car because they are laughing too hard.
Sitting in Mcdonald's with two dollar sevens for an hour.
Finally feeling joy and freedom.

The love of a friend.
She's healing.

Can you relate? Do you ever find yourself wishing you were anyone but yourself?
Struggling to feel, struggling to hear truth, and struggling with doubt?
Doubt is powerful, an enemy, a curse of sin.
I find peace knowing it's not supposed to be this way. Peace in the comfort of a good friend.
Peace in a Savior who died for me.
Peace that one day my emotions will be clear and my heart will be whole.

You're different.
That's okay.
I am too.

Relationships

Recently God has been teaching me a lot about relationships and community and what it looks like to live and relate to 26 girls.

It is difficult. 

But i've learned that when the walls start coming down, true friendships are formed.
When we are at our weakest, He is our strongest.

Friends are supposed to be encouraging, loving, and ultimately, they should make us want to become more like Christ.

When they see me, do they see You?

But these friendships are rare and they take effort.
Sometimes they are messy because we are broken.
Sometimes it takes more then a human to put the pieces back together.
And some of us have been wounded so badly, we are scared to make those heart connections.
What do we do then? Where do we turn when our wall is up so high we can't seem to take it down?

I ask myself that question a lot. How do I remove this wall?
I don't actually have the answer because I don't believe I have gotten to that point yet.
But I do know that point comes with trust.
It comes with being vulnerable and opening your heart, just once, for something good.

Not everyone is going to hurt you

Maybe you need to let go of a friendship and you are praying for direction.
Maybe you need to trust God to provide friendship.
Or maybe you need to take that 10 ft wall down and let someone in.

"You're going to have to let truth scream louder into our souls then the lies that have infected us"

God speaks, even in our darkest moments.

Listen.