I have been on a journey to find myself.

I have learned that I am incredibly independent.

This can be good and this can be very bad. I realized that my independence can make me stubborn, something I need to work on, but I also realized that my independence inhibits my ability to depend on friends, family, and if I’m not careful, God.

I grew up believing that I needed to be independent. I believed that I needed to be able to support myself because there are “no guarantees” in life. I believed I didn’t need to depend on anyone because I was told I needed to take care of myself.

As much as I admire the women who taught me these things all my life, I discovered I can depend on people; it’s called a community.

God has been teaching me the importance of friendship and loyalty and the difference it makes in my life when people come along side of me and feel with me.

Sometimes words are painful, sometimes they sting, but they also have the power to speak truth.

I’ve also learned that I am an internal. Well, I’ve known that because my sister’s been pointing that out for years. But I’ve recently discovered just what this means.

It means that, I process in my head before I am ready to discuss what I am feeling. It also means I can’t always process with people because I walk away from conversations even more confused then when I went in.

I’ve found that society tries to change internals. We live in a world where people believe in immediate fixing. We desire a quick and easy solution but sometimes quick and easy isn’t always right. Sometimes we need to think and process and internalize and that is okay too.

Internals can’t be externals and externals can’t be internals but I do believe we compliment each other.

My sister and I are quite the pair. I learn from her and she learns from me. She is an external and I am an internal. It has taken us years to appreciate this about ourselves and about each other. I just thought she was strange for always talking about how she was feeling and she thought I was normal for suppressing how was feeling. She wished she could be like me and secretly I wished I could be like her. At least she understood how she was feeling. 

I appreciate her bold personality and I appreciate her ability to teach me. Sometimes I think she knows me better then I know myself. Maybe that’s why God made us sisters, someone has to understand me ;)

Melanie

1 Peter 3:11

"...let him seek peace and pursue it" 


Food for the soul. 
God is teaching me. 
He's teaching me about friendship, about relationships, about myself, about loyalty, about trust, about love, about what it means to truly love Him. 


Even though it may seem at times like this world cannot get any harder, or the pain cannot get any worse, I know I was not made for this world, and that brings my heart peace. 
I know that my trials and my pain allow me to grow.
James wrote a whole book on it! I read the book of James today and it taught me to persevere through trials because it produces steadfastness, be doers of the word, tame my tongue, be slow to speak, quick to listen, and slow to anger, wisdom is from God, live for today and enjoy the present, and never stop praying. 
I'm learning from James. His wisdom is from above and I desire such wisdom.

Finding Your Voice

This has been on my heart to share for awhile as I've been trying to find "my voice".
Certain circumstances have led me to understand the importance of finding my own voice and ultimately God's voice.
I feel sometimes as Christians, we have many people in our lives telling us "the best way to live" or "the right way to be in a relationship" and quite frankly, I hate it. I do not believe there is one way to live or one way to be in a relationship.

God has created each of us unique and each of us in His own image, therefore, none of us are the same. What makes humans unique is their variability. We aren't simply cookie cutter models of someone else.
I am me and you are you and that is okay.


I am an internal processor. I try to figure things out in my head before I discuss them with other people, if I don't, I end up saying things that I don't mean, don't believe, or haven't had the time to figure out on my own therefore I find myself going along with the best fit answer.
I have learned that it is okay to process internally. It is okay to not always have the answers when someone asks for them, and it is okay to be me.
It is okay to find my voice when dealing with a struggle.

I love talking to my friends about what I am going through because I desire for people to come along side of me, walk with me through my struggles, and love me despite my flaws. But sometimes, despite great intentions, I get too many voices and too many people telling me different things and it makes it harder to live. I want to always be me and never lose sight of that. I know what I was created for and I know I have a purpose but my purpose looks very different from everyone else's purpose and that is okay.
God has been teaching to me slow down, to listen, to find Him, and to find me. 


I have been overwhelmed recently with a peace I cannot explain.
Even though, in moments, it feels like my world has been flipped upside down, I have peace.
Even though I am drowning in a million worksheets, papers, and exams, I have peace.
Even though I am struggling, I have peace.
And even though I may feel alone, I have peace.
I have a peace that I cannot describe but it is a peace not due to my own work, but a peace that can only come from Him.
I desire to hold on to this peace and remember what this feels like when i'm desperately searching for it.

Finding my voice has sent me on a journey, a journey of prayer, writing, processing and thinking.
But it's times like these when I know God is working because I can feel Him.
Even though conviction sucks, I am thankful for it because it is a gift.
Conviction means, God cares enough about my heart to change something in my life in order bring glory to Him and that is a gift in itself.

Melanie

For when I am weak, then I am strong

Coming back to Cedarville after a wonderful break with my family was bittersweet.
I was excited to see my friends and have life return to normal, but my heart was torn because I felt something missing.
My desire was to be back in Florida with my siblings, I desperately wanted to fast forward the clock, graduate, get a teaching job at a middle school near my family and start my life, close to them.

I was hurting because I know Cedarville is what God has planned for me but sometimes it's hard not to dream.

This past week, the weather has been beautiful. High of 80's and sunny. When I walked to class last week, I could not help but smile.

"And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God"
Romans 8:27

Thank you Lord for a little piece of Florida.

My younger brother Benjamin has been calling or texting me almost daily from my dads phone.
I love to hear his sweet little voice and listen to him tell me about his day. He's so intuitive, asking me questions about my day and really wanting to know me as his sister.
Being able to answer the questions he has about God, science, theology, college, grades, math, the Bible, and life really blesses me. I valued my time with him in Florida and I valued being able to share what I do know in order to teach him.
From dance parties, to doodle jump, to swimming, to throwing the football, to late night card games, to long discussions about life, my time in Florida was one I will not forget.
Ben really blesses me, in ways I cannot explain and even though I desire to be with him, and my other siblings, God has shown me my purpose is here...for now.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong" 
2 Corinthians 12:8&10

A new desire

This morning I decided to explore my dad’s new neighborhood looking for a good spot to draw. A spark has been relit in my heart, the desire to draw again. In high school I drew all the time. I doodled, painted, worked with clay, I was always doing something artsy, but since college, I lost that desire and that ability. I forgot how freeing it was to pick up a pen and literally draw what is right in front of me.

I found that again this break and I love it.

For my birthday, I was given a journal to draw in and I was so excited. It was probably one of the greatest gifts because it was unexpected and something that was so familiar to me but so distant (if that makes sense).

This journal has relit the spark that I thought I lost.

Drawing is something I can escape through, much like writing.

I can also connect with God through my drawing, like this morning.

I found a quiet spot in front of the lake and sat down and drew what was in front of me. I listened to Jesus music and just sat in His creation.

I listened to the birds, watched the ducks dive underwater, felt the warm Florida air and even felt the mist from the fountain.

Really, I was in heaven.

I wasn’t even worried about the 8ft long alligator my stepmom kept warning my sister and I about ;)

A familiar song came on my ipod, one I have recently begun to skip over because I tend to really drive songs into the ground, and this was one of them. But this morning I decided to leave it and I decided to listen to what the lyrics were really saying.

“I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free

But you think you're the one that grace could never reach

So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking”

The constant question being asked in my head: Am I worth it?

The devil would tell me no, but the Lord has promised me, yes.

“You’re worth it, you can’t earn it. Yeah the cross has proven that you are sacred and blameless, your life has purpose. You are more then flesh and bone can’t you see your something beautiful, yeah you got to believe that you are someone worth dying for”

When I sat there listening to this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Jesus died for me, He didn’t have to, but he bore MY sin on that Cross.

“It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

This I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom”

I’m grateful for my time in Florida. Not only to spend time with Dad, Caron, Ben, Nick and Cassidy, but for the time to do things I enjoy and to reconnect with God through something I forgot I loved so much.

I am thankful for a simple, blank journal.  

Being in Florida with my family can bring many emotions. Some good, some bad, some sad, but this year i'm really discovering just how much I love it and how much joy my little siblings bring me. It seems so surreal to be all in one place.
Last night we were all outside playing football before dinner. Just to run around with them, play, and be free with ALL my siblings was something I wish I could experience more.

Cassidy was in her own little world playing soccer, but she does have quite the soccer moves
I would stop and kick the ball to her in between passes and she would giggle and smile. Precious :)

See? Soccer player in the making :)

Got some bonding time with Fric and Frac while step mom went to work. 

We worked on a puzzle. Winnie the Pooh to be exact.

It's 500 pieces...so still working. 

We were also able to take Ben on a little shopping trip to Walmart. Thankful for the time spent just with Ben. 

As you can see, I got a little sun today ;)

I am so so so thankful for the time i've had with my siblings and I wish I could be in their life more then just one week a year. 

They're a special group of kids and I love every second of being with them.

It's a blessing :)

Melanie

A Meaningful Card

Tonight my family took me to Olive Garden to celebrate my 20th birthday.
My mom, the amazing woman that she is, got me a very special card.
Immediately I began to cry as I read what it had to say.

Dear Daughter,
I don't often tell you how much it means to have a daughter like you- how it's hard to imagine what life would be like without you- without our talks and special times. If you weren't my daughter, something very special would be missing, because having you was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Happy Birthday.
With love,
Mom

Love you mom.
Thankful for the sacrifices you have made over the years to raise Sis and I. You are special to me.

Melly